How I was almost killed by trying to purchase a Grannysmith

Its true...purchasing apples about netted me a one way trip to my eternal resting place.

First I need to explain that I have had this blog for a few weeks but have not yet been inspired to...well...blog. I read my cousin Brookes' blog often and her wittiness and tale telling abilities have left me laughing uncontrollably and fondly reminiscing of my "Big Hair" days where she supposedly thought I was cooler than a freshly made Mango Margarita. However facing death, or at minimum, the loss of an important limb, has made me see the light!

You see, I was shopping at our local Hy-Vee grocery store, WITH my "I'm totally Re-Usable" green grocery bag (aren't you proud of me Brooke) when I noticed a very large group of people hovering with their carts around a large display. As I took a few more steps I then noticed a large banner the color of hot pink proclaiming "Soda 6-paks for .99." WOW! The accountant side of my brain went "hmm...divide by 6....minus a 1....add the 2...is there a deposit....well whatever thats CHEAP! "
I am all about a good deal so I grabbed a cart, carefully wiping the handle with a disinfectant wipe because, well, they are phyfellocouscous breeding grounds, and headed over to claim this "Deal of the Day". The closer I got, the clearer the picture became. This wasn't just ANY group of people hovering, this was the group of people that have been playing hookie from their Weight Watchers meetings for at least 8 months working skillfully alongside the Jennie Craig dropouts. Scanning the scene for an opening, I surveyed a 14-year old, gangly, 98 lb. stock boy sweating profusly as he tried to unload his skid of soda cans onto the display but was miserably unable to keep up. Chicken legs wobbling under the intense pressure, the realization seemed to be setting in that he was in fact outnumbered. I wanted to scream"Hold your ground Boy" but who am I kidding, I am no General Patton. These Mongers were overtaking the stockboys skid! Has the economy crashed and this is the last shipment of Diet Rite? My instincts kicked in and I realized......we have really been on a smoothie kick in the Peed household anyway.

Moving along the outskirts, and out of any immediate danger, I carefully swung my cart to the fresh produce aisle and began to scout the apples for the aforementioned smoothies. This was my thought process, "Hmm, Fuji for baking, Honeycrisp for sauce, Oohh those GrannySmiths look great, Why is that large woman waddling at an amazingly fast pace right towards me?" Scanning my surroundings I understood.... I had made a grave error. The confines of that large group of low-calorie challanged people would have been safer. At least within their midst the most that could have happened would be to get bumped, pinched between fat rolls, or groped by a sweaty janitor who had taken a break from watching Star Trek to make the sale. I had managed instead to position myself directly in the path of a 300 lb. woman who had just noticed the hot pink soda sale sign.
Oh My God!
The mini me in my conscience yelled GET OUT OF THE WAY, but I froze. I was stuck between the Granny Smiths and the fresh cut watermelon! This woman was barrelling down on me, driving her cart like it was stolen, so intent on fufilling her fantasy afternoon of sipping soda after soda, eating a jumbo frozen pizza and watching Oprah she didnt see she was about to crash into me. I had 4 seconds, maybe 6 if she started to get tired and needed to lean (it is a long walk from the parking lot) so I closed my eyes...one...two...three...did I put on clean underwear..mom said thats impor....WHOOSH!!!! My hair flew up, my cart slammed into my cute new brown leather boots, and an overwhelming smell of peanut butter cups and Doritos filled the air. I opened my eyes, fully expecting St. Peter to be greeting me, but instead....only apples. OMG Im still here and I only have a small black skid mark accross my boot and the wheel on my cart is a little wobbly. I SURVIVED!
Forget groceries, I was stopping at Tropical Smoothie on the way home, the only hazard there would be the potential confrontation by a health nut intent on admonishing me for me putting real sugar and not Splenda into my ISLAND FEVER smoothie. I grabbed a few necessities, loaded them into my sack, and limped my way to the checkout. While standing there patiently waiting for the woman in front of me to pay for her steak, chips, 37 6-packs of soda, and a HEALTY WOMAN magazine I was amused my the irony of it all. I smiled at her overweight but very cute baby sucking on a Twix Bar and drooling all over the cart handle and made a mental note to myself "Always wipe the handle of your grocery store cart and never stand between a 300 lb person and thier Diet Rite"